Saturday, April 29, 2006
Don't Tell My Blog, My Achy, Breaky...
Hello again, welcome to my blog, my little piece of stupidity that I update 2-3 times a week. A place where people who don't don't speak english leave comments in my forums declaring me a god i'm sure. This weeks theme is matters of the heart,,,,,, or it could be beastiality, however you look at it. I hope you enjoy.
Nothing Better is going on in Itay.....
Yep in Italy, the government issues everyone a sports car, designer clothing, and a model boyfriend or girlfriend. But not all is so sunny in Italy, lobsters are being abused ridiculed by being put alive on displays of ice. When asked for comment the lobsters replied"grrrrrcrrrkkkllplllgrrrr". Yes this is the news that is making headlines out of Italy this week. A country whose fore fathers, Chef Boyardee and Super Mario, must be turning in their graves right now. The story is looking to make its way to the Lifetime channel starring Growing Pains star, JoAnna Kearns as the activist, and Lindsay Lohan as the lobster, as soon as she can hone her acting skills better and limit the word "dude" from her vocabulary.
He-man and the Masters of the .....Loin Clothes?
Yes, if you were a a young man in the early 80s then 2 truths held constant, you liked to ride your big wheel and do fish hooks off the end off your driveway out into oncoming traffic, and second, you worshiped He-Man. The He-Man drama started with Mattel Toys plans to create a Conan toyline, because the Conan Clothingline wasn't working out too well, loin clothes and furry boots were about 2 yrs from making it big onto the L.A. glam metal scene. So, nonetheless He-Man was born. He-Man was a cartoon about a bunch of buffed guys who all had the words man in their name.(Just like in "Sex and the City") The hero He-Man was actually Prince Adam who had a magic sword that let him turned into his secret identity He-Man. Even though he and Adam looked exactly alike even though He-Man was just shirtless no one knew of his identity. I tried the same scam when I tried to illegally buy beer my freshman year in college and I was already ID 1 min. earlier as 18, so the no shirt hides my identity did nothing for me. Neither did my Wilson Phillips tattoo. Anyways, He-Man and friends fought against the evil forces of Skeeletor, who I think later toured with Danzig. There was also Teela, He-Mans female, warrior friend. The only purpose of a young man getting a Teela doll was to try to impress the young ladies with his diversity, or to stick it with the dorky neighbor kid down the street when he came over to play with your He-Man. Then later after you guys bonded you would get Teela and He-Man to get it on. Every episode of He-Man ended with a heart warming moral such as "Love is the most powerful force in the universe." and the lesser known, "Love comes and goes while Herpes last forver." Awww yes He-Man, was later portrayed by Dolphin Lundgren,,aka the Russian from Rocky. And years after that was revived on 2 different occassion but never took off. Any guy 28-32 had a special place in his Heart for He-Man 25 yrs ago. No matter how much he lies about it. Well except maybe Puertoricans,....just kidding.
Bizzare Random Video Clip.
Okay, this is interesting its a heart warming newsclip story of the friendship between a 45 yr. old orangatan and 1 yr. old tabby cat. The cat legitamately walks the apes cage at its own free will. Then someone decides to edit this story. You have to love photoshop anyways check this out.
Monday, April 24, 2006
I Don't Want to Grow Up....
Yep, this postings theme is clinging to your childhood whims. Which is cool, unless your whim was to grow up to be a pop superstar who dates little boys. Then its just wrong. This concludes my first week of being a bad bloggin mutha. Thanks for coming back. It still hasn't gotten weird enough for me. And it won't get that way for you.
The Ghost of You and Me, Well, not really either of us.
As a kid, there was 2 thing I always wanted to see a 1. A giant flying hotdog, 2. A ghost. Only having seen the hotdog, I always wanted to see a ghost... and now here is actually footage, and audio, look really, close in the upper corner of the screen, and when you start to hear some static interference you will know when to look in the upper corner. So you might want to crank up your volumes ome. Well here it is I hope you enjoy. And remember you can sleep with your lights on, but I will come through your windows anyways, especially if your Asian and 19.
Bill Gates Quijaa Board: Monopoly
Yes, Monopoly, the game that taught me how to go bankrupt, when I would grow up. Apparentily, it is getting to new life via an update. The update is slated to contain Rodeo Drive, Wrigley Field, and The Golden Gate Bridge among others. However, still strangely missing from the game are, Dave's Animal Massage Parlour, The 24hr tattoo and donut shop, and the Methodone Clinic. So basically Courtney Love will still have to play nude Twister, with part time model/bartenders to get an accurate depiction of the economic structure. Because god knows bartenders are the coolest people on the planet. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA, especially the ones that hit on the women who go drinking on their own..... Yeah, those dudes are the most sincere catches. I think they should change the get out of jail free card, to Kobe Bryant has an expensive lawyer get out of jail free even though I'm guilty card.
Really Bad Pun Headline, Sea Monkey See, See Monkey Do...
Man, who didn't have Sea Monkeys growing up? Better question... who didn't kill their Sea Monkeys? I remember buying my Sea Monkey in 1986 from the local K-mart. After a weeks the freeze dried eggs came alive, and slowly over the next 2 weeks they sprout into maturity, missing out on asking to borrow my car, and growing bad teenage Sea Monkey facial stubble. You ask where Sea Monkeys come from? Some say they came from a rift in the ocean opened by our true lord Poisedon, others say they were brought to us by the reverse vampires and the Rann Corportation. Those people would be wrong. Believe it or not Sea Monkeys were created by a German In the mid 1950s. Yes, the same nationality that was intent on European domination spawned this cutesy phenomenon. If your going for forgiveness guys, good luck with that. This is how they got there revenge on us, by giving the children of the people who crushed their empire, pets that were guaranteed to cause heartbreak. You see, Sea Monkeys LIKE TO GET IN ON...AND ON.... AND ON. They can't seem to keep it in their pants. Within 3mos. my Sea Monkeys(aka brine shrimp) where literally 100s in a small 7 inch by 1 inch tank. And man could those dudes crap. They were good at crapping and SEA MONKEYS WERE BI-SEXUAL....They could reproduce sexually and asexaully.(Which made masterbation incredibly confusing) And yes they always wore tank tops and had profiles on myspace.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA, GOD IM CLEVER. Long story short, my tank got dirty, tried to clean it and repurify it, which ended up killing my Sea Monkeys. I was there god and I failed them. BUT THEN I GOT TRANSFORMERS!!!! AND I FAILED THEM TOO, IM AN AVENGING ICONOCLASTIC FIGURE.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Don't Blame..........
Let's see the usual suspects a president,sausage, and a pervert. Sounds like Bill Clinton, nope, its the closet theme I can come up with for this update. The addition to the gallery is based off of power, lust, and corruption. For yet another unnintentional theme. Blahhh Blaahhh at least I have a blog people come to. Yeah, thats what I thought.
And Now Appearing at the Lava Lounge Volcanoe Room...
Yes siree... the first 42 U.S. President borrowed a total of 1.05 trillion dollars the first 220 some years of this country. Apparentily Mr. Bush has borrowed that much since 2000. But to make up for this difference he has become a street performer as shown by this picture. Mr. President does take request, any request at all, as long as its Lynrd Skynrd, any Lynrd song at all, as long as its not "Freebird" because the solo is much to hard. Silly Mr. President.
Totally Random Video Clip....Sausage!?
Its one thing, when someone makes a stupid video and post it on the net, its another thing when people try to copy it, and get less sincere results. This one is the original. The sausage video.....this is one of those things that aren't funny the first time you watch it, but it makes you think. Much like the ending of Silent Hill you discover the Mom, Daughter, and Cop died in a car accident in the beginning, and the anticlimactic ending is, they can never go home. Well this video is about a bunch of girls who like to say "sausage" over and over again in an english accent. Just like in the Loverboy classic, "Girls who like to say Sausage over and over again....in love". And then go online to see how poorly this was ripped off.
Years from now on Thanksgiving this will be shown instead of "The Wizard of Oz"
Years from now on Thanksgiving this will be shown instead of "The Wizard of Oz"
HEROE OF THE WEEK
Earlier in the week a 76 yr. old man was arrested in Florida for going door to door impersonating a doctor. The man was offering free breast exams. He is being charge on 2 accounts of assault. Well, buddy if that doesn't work for Kobe Bryant and his free rectal exams it probably wouldn't for you. Maybe the guy took one of those internet breast examiner courses from Devry. Or maybe he got confused and thought he was adjusting industrial thermostats. Whose to say, oh yes the police. You sir for your nobility in offering a free health service are the UYD heroe of the week.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Get down with the sickness......
Thats just a term for letting other things ruin your life and corrupt you. To some people it can be the opposite sex, or that same sex kinky friend, it can be fame or money. Its when something leads you to believe its worth the risk to become something you should have never been. Assimilate to it, and then make excuses for your social darwinism. Which is basically the theme to this update. Though if your reading my blog then your probably not big on symbolism. So just go grab a bag of chips and watch "The Family Guy". I'm watching you....peace, love,........empathy.
Take it away Wheatus........
Take it away Wheatus........
Forget about those Illegal Aliens taking your jobs, worry about this...
I know its written somewhere in Revelations about "Be weary of the madagascar hissing cockroach, for he will pave the streets with blood strewn across by his mighty chariot." NO WAIT.... THATS THE BOOK OF MORMON....... HHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! None the less this is a sign of the apocalypse. Apparenitly some engineer wannabes, fashioned a mobile device that allows a cockroach to drive somewhat of a remote control stroller type device. The device is built around a track ball the roach crawls on, centering his gravity so he's more or less like on a hamster wheel. The funny thing about this clip is the roach seems to be trying to getting away from his captors with this new technology he has found. Still a waste of technology. Trust me... we are just a step away from roach dui's. But yet a tear comes to my eye thinking a youngmans childhood fantasy of transportation for cockroaches, is now reality. Now if I could just make that wooden indian come to life.
Stupid Pun Headline:NO DOUBT, she's pregnant
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHA!!!!! IM SO CLEVER WITH MY PUNS....clever like all those guys who still tell other peoples girlfriends that they have pretty eyes. Anyways, Gwen Stefani is pregnant. Her and her husband Gavin Rossdale lead singer of Bush, are expecting a little girl. It must be hell being a washed up rock star(he is) being married to multi-platinum Gwen. There arguments would be like Gavin: "I don't need your money!!!! I have my own." Gwen:"Yeah right those 7 million copies of 16 stone you sold 10 yrs. ago have you set for life.(insane laugher)" Gavin:"That's it im taking my jet and going home." Gwen:"Good and while your on that jet suck this in 
were not naming the kid Glycerine." Ahhh Yes, good times...
were not naming the kid Glycerine." Ahhh Yes, good times...
Random Pointless Video Clip....
Yeah, If there are 2 things in life I don't understand they would be blue collar comedy, and any connection the Wayans brothers circle, have to bathroom humor. Now excuse me for being a worldly community college graduate, but this repetive formula proves once again if you do movies with the same gene pool to many times, you get tacky movie inbreeding. And here is a wonderful clip from a movie that I'm sure will be bigger then Titanic. And after this I imagine a day of constipation for the writers off this flick is like a day of mourning. Yeah, Im a jerk so what.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
A New Hope.................
Easter, yes today is the day to unveil my abomination upon the civilized networld. Well, you know what I mean, not the other thing I promised I would only do that for money. Im referring to my blog, which is just a means to express my views and humor with people I really can't stay in touch with. These being new or old but here is my ode to a Cliff's note version of what goes on in the world that is my head. I orignally considered other sites for this venture, but being I'm not a 23yr. old goth vampire who likes to be hit on by 43yr. old women who shop at "The Hot Topic" I settled for this great community. That and from here I can safely criticize poseurs. Or maybe not.... Peace, Love, Empathy............Enjoy.
Random Pointless Video Time....
Few people know that this is what MC Hammer was originally going to say instead of "Hammer Time" but here it is my random pointless video clip. Fact or Fiction, I do not know but do not try this at home, unless your home is giant moon walk untop of a magical waterfall, and you live next to gumdrop lane where everyone is always happy. Except for old angry Mr. Johnson, who won't get off your back about your dog always running in his yard. But you live in a Moon Walk so you don't care.
I probably could have done that, but not since I stopped drinking. Well I'm pretty sure I could atleast grab a dog by the hind legs and pretend like its a wheel barrow. Cos I was gonna do that anyways.
I probably could have done that, but not since I stopped drinking. Well I'm pretty sure I could atleast grab a dog by the hind legs and pretend like its a wheel barrow. Cos I was gonna do that anyways.
If its News to You, Its News to Me...
Recentily 2 siblings who are the products of a sperm donor were reunited. The girls, Danielle Pagano, 16, and JoEllen Marsh, 15, connected through the Donor Sibling Registry, a Web site that is helping to open a new chapter in the oldest form of assisted reproductive technology. The three-year-old site allows parents and offspring to enter their contact information and search for others by sperm bank and donor number. WOW..... I did not know I was supposed to get that stuff registered. I really hope this isn't like the time I forgot to register for selective service. I think thats great, that there is an international registry, because if sperm got in the wrong hands, all hades could just break loose. The humanity..... I wonder if they have one of those websites that have one of those "win a free ipod" pop-up. God knows, I would donate all the time. Well not really....all the time. Maybe more then usual since I quit smoking.
Missunderstood Pimps....Col. Sanders
This is a section were I will examine missunderstood sex symbols from era's past. And the first member of the MP Class of 06 is Col. Sanders. Col. Harland Sanders was born in 1890. He made his mark in the fried chicken world at the tender and crispy age of 65.(Pun Warning) He later sold his shares of KFC for $2million in 1965 and decided to stay on as a spokesman for the company. But there was another side to "The Colonel", thats right the pimp side. As you can see in this recently exposed photo "The Col." was big with the ladies. He was always decked out in his white ice cream man tux, brim glasses, and the pimpest accessory of all the "cane". Always a player taunting all with his secret blend of herbs...(think about it) and spices. Oh Col., the secret life you lived. If we could all live vicariously through you. You and your "Original Recipe" for pimp'n.
RIP brother
